I was always bullied in school, every day and the only time i stood up for myself I was punished I had clothes stolen while i was in the swimming baths, i had my glasses stolenm There wasnt enough books to go around so i had to share one to do some homework, unfortunately he didnt share it so i had to rely on other books as the library couldnt get a copy in time.
I think it really started in 1988, My dad died (54) 3 days before my 16th birthday in my exam year.. Now this was a shock he had been ill for 8 years before hand with Osteoarthritis in his shoulders I dont blame my dad i blame what happened next, Now my exam results were bad, afterwards my mum went to the school and the school actually told her "we thought you would have been used to your dad dying so we didnt tell the exam board". The next year i lost both grans and my dog. This was also my resit year.
MY mum, dad and brother were all administration based, they loved the work, i wanted to do it so i wanted to do RSA typing/keyboarding, I also wanted to do home economics in 6th form, I was told again boys dont do that, Had to fight to do RSA, they wouldnt let me do home economics. So my results were not as good as they could have been there either. So i went to YT, to study for my BTEC first, they had placements my first was in Library service Once again was told boys dont do admin, so you will have to sit in the annex until needed so i read.. until needed, then they moved me to The microfiche department at the local council, was there a long time loved it but it was boring..then i got moved to a college marketing department while studying my Btec national I had passed my first. So i worked there i loved it, was there for 15 months give or take, then there was a permanent job going my job.. i applied but didnt get it as they moved a secretary of one of the heads of department to that job, someone who hadnt worked there or got a qualification. I felt worthless i had been doing it and i didnt get the job due to politics. So i leave with my quals i apply to work for student grants in the council and i got in loved it but this was only a temp job, then that contract ended so i was on the dole, then someone left and they called me back .. Then the same job came up one i had been doing and once again so someone from another department moved sideways got the job and i was asked to teach her the job i had been doing for ages. Again i wasnt good enough. I then worked at the ITS section of the job centre i enjoyed it but once again temporary job with a permanent job advertised afterwards.. I applied and Once again i didnt get the job had been doing. So wasnt good enoung to keep the job.
then i went to several job schemes, where it was always your fault you havent got a job, At one point i was doing some Open University i wanted to use my btecs to contribute to a BA, so i chose to do my Creative writing to get me into the swing of it, Was told at standguide training If they caught me doing that there they will kick me off and stop my money, but i was trying to better myself, i was spending 35 hours a week at standguide and coming home was too tired, so i couldnt really do anything. sitting around doing nothing reading old papers, doing nothing for 35 hours a week was so tiring as you had to be careful or you would be punished for no real reason.
then i went the a4e under new deal, where once again it was your fault, you never did enough, forget the old computers the out of date papers, It was your cv wasnt good enough, your letter not good enough, you wore the wrong things I wanted to work so i told the placement officer there, well we had 7 different ones in 7 weeks and 7 times i told them what i wanted to do and each time they did nothing. I survived the place, it felt like survival. I got a placement I found at age concern, I worked there loved it, and once again there was a paid opening due which i applied for and once again i didnt get it, the same job i had been doing.
I got married to someone i met online an american, i would sign off and go to america, because i didnt drink/smoke/do anything i could save up then in october 2007 I got married to her.. 6 months later on may 9th she phoned and said she wanted a divorce, and she wanted £50,000 from the marriage. by september i was divorced, then in 2009 my brother dropped dead in front of us, april 6th, 7 days after his 49th birthday, He said "martin i feel dizzy" then stood up and died I froze, i didnt know what to do, if i had been faster if i had phoned sooner could i have changed things.
I the 2nd time i was sent to a4e I was told once again it was my fault, everything was my fault. This was in a very hot summer the windows wouldnt open move than 3 inches no fans, and it was hot, 20 men in a small room no air,and the tutor comes in and says theres a smell in here.. and she proceded to lecture people are boil washing clothes.. there was 20 to 55 year olds and they werent happy. Now they had a placement officer and he said he would find a placement, 8 weeks later after playing phone tag with the local hotel and getting nowehre, he gave up looking for one for me. During this time the staff saw i knew computers and so said why not consider doing a PTTLS course in it we will pay, so i thought why not so i spent most of my time teaching other clients as their computer teacher in his own words "couldnt be bothered" turned out they wouldnt fund it, they lied I did everything i could but once again i wasnt good enough.
I had applied to work at the dwp, I passed the tests, and was waiting for Atos to check my medical records by that too months, then the government changed and they cancelled ALL recruitment.
The 3rd time i was at a4e, once again it was my fault, in addition at this time there was a lot of press about scroungers, skivers, blaming the unemployed because they would have a job if they werent lazy. My first adviser lived in another city (liverpool)where transport was easier, She said if she can travel from the city to my home town, I should be able to travel to her city except the transport routes are different. I suffer from Osteoarthritis of BOTH ankles so i am limited due to health to walk too far, She then complained I was Applying for TOO many jobs I should be focusing on the one or two rather than the 3 a week I was doing, be a Sniper rather than a shotgun.. So once again My fault..
She became very dismissive about me so much so that I reported her to her boss they moved me to another adviser saying they can only move you a few times if it wasn't a good reason then tough, So they moved me to the 2nd adviser, he was friendly but one time he gave me the paper work of someone else in the office with nearly the same name as me..and on his caseload Not very confidence building. Then he made an appointment for me but under the other guys name, and it got confusing after that.
So i wasnt even memorable.
I got then the best adviser, Now I had started sending a copy of every email and correspondence to the adviser, By this time there was a feeling of You have to cover your back document everything or you will be punished. So I started sending 2 or 3 email applications a day to him, Yes 2 or 3 a day.. so for 18 months I did this, every month I was called in to be asked what I was doing, at first it was an hour meeting, then 30 minutes, then 15, then it became 5 minutes, it was actually taking longer to get to the appointment than I was there. So this went on this I felt was one of the better points. Then came my exit review, my adviser stated I had applied for more jobs than anyone else on his entire caseload if not the entire office and that it was just bad luck I hadn't got a job. I did everything I could and he understood its not easy getting a job. and he did his report to be passed to the job centre, to the Post work programme support scheme.
The adviser for the Post work programme support scheme She actually upset me so much by dismissing everything I had done over the last 2 years blaming me for the fact no employer wants me.. She said even my volunteer work wasnt good as it wasnt paid work and the personal comments it upset me, so much that I a 40 year old man burst into tears in the office afterwards I went to the doctors as what she said hit me she thinks I was worthless, this is the person who was supposed to help me, and so when the doctor saw my state he immediately signed me off.
At every point, it was your fault you havent got a job.I was blamed for it all. After many years of being told it was my fault, and that everything i did was wrong its hard not to believe it. Especially as every day the state says it, the media says it.